Social Bids
On Cues That Strengthen Or Weaken Our Relationships
Dr. Gottman‘s research is something that I find myself going back to and thinking about quite often. He's the psychologist who coined the term 'social bids' that came as a result of his research on human relationships.
We see social bids quite often when we know what to look for. Think of someone heavily sighing as they enter the room or simply stating "It’s nice weather we’re having today"; both are examples of silent cues for attention, for wanting to be asked "Are you okay?" or of starting a conversation, of wanting to connect.
It’s almost a social expectation to acknowledge these cues, even minimally. A simple “Uh-huh” when busy or a fuller response that lets the other person know they’re being heard. When our bid for connection is ignored or met with silence, it feels uncomfortable, like the other person isn’t listening or present in the conversation.
For most people, responding to social bids comes naturally, even without knowing the term. But not everyone follows this unspoken rule.
I met this girl once in Bali—let's call her Carrie. She was outgoing and nice enough but had a striking habit of ignoring people until she wanted their attention. Before meeting her, I’ve seen social bids be both accepted and rejected amongst my family and amongst my friends but interacting with her, the lack of accepted social bids was so obvious, it really made me realise how needed it is for them to be accepted in order for a friendship to strengthen.
Dr. Gottman’s research extends this idea beyond platonic friendships into the romantic relationships realm as well, showing that how couples respond to each other’s bids can predict whether they’ll stay together.
Having a term for this phenomenon allows for more awareness and discussion.
Being aware of and recognising how we answer the social cues in our own lives can help strengthen our friendships and relationships and improve how connected we feel to others. Dr. Gottman's research, like so much in sociology, are endlessly fascinating.
Too-da-loo for now,
Joanna signing off.
If you enjoyed my little ramblings, I’d very much appreciate if you could click the little 💛 button below. It costs you nothing and makes my day a little brighter to know you enjoyed this food for thought.